A Gift for Gordon

“I really don’t know what to bring back for Gordon” thought Frieda anxiously. She was in a Sydney market and her plane was leaving for New Zealand later that day. She and Gordon had parted under rather ambiguous circumstances and she was unsure how personal a present to buy. Her eye fell on a stall calling itself “Paddy’s Gifts for Gentlemen”. The gifts were pre-wrapped and their contents advertised by phrases such as “To make Dad happy” and “For a keen sportsman”. There was a small package entitled “For men – a personal gift”. That sounded ideal and Frieda handed over her $20 and hurried off to the airport.

Safely on the plane she recalled with pleasure a hand she had played while she was away; Gordon would be sure to be impressed. Her right-hand opponent had opened 1♣ alerted as showing 16+ HCP. Having a magnificent club suit herself she leapt to 5♣, all passed, her left-hand opponent led the Ace of spades, and Frieda regarded her dummy.

Frieda	Dummy
♠87652 ♥— ♦A ♣AKQJT76	♠3 ♥JT92 ♦87654 ♣982

At trick two the opponents switched to a trump. It didn’t take long before she formed her plan, a simple one it must be admitted (and she would modestly say so when relating the hand to Gordon). She won the second trick, ruffed a spade, came to her hand with the Ace of diamonds, and ruffed another spade with dummy’s last trump. The opponents had both followed to the third spade so all was well. She ruffed a heart back to her hand, drew trumps, and led her fourth spade. Although her right-hand opponent captured this, Frieda’s fifth spade was now good and she claimed the rest.

Her reverie was cut short by the landing of the plane and she readied herself for seeing Gordon who was meeting her. She told herself that it was essential she appeared warm, yet dignified; pleased to see him but not too effusive; friendly but not embarrassingly eager; assured but not arrogant; enigmatic but not aloof (Oh, get on with it, Frieda, an inner voice called). Certainly, after their last parting, she would need to judge her manner rather exactly.

Gordon greeted her at the gate and she retrieved her little package from her handbag. “It’s just a little thing for you, Gordon” she said in a tone that was intended to be rather quiet but actually came out low and sultry. Gordon’s thanks were profuse and Frieda eagerly watched as he unwrapped it. As the wrapping paper fell away and the gift came into view, Frieda saw in horror that she had just presented Gordon with a packet of Viagra.

It was obvious to Gordon from Frieda’s confusion that her gift of sexual potency was entirely inadvertent. Nevertheless he was knocked off balance and searching around for something humorous to relieve Frieda’s discomfort he somehow managed to hit entirely the wrong note: “Thank you, Frieda; when do you think we should try it out?”.

This was too much for Frieda who, in the heat of her embarrassment, could not bear even a hint that she might have made an improper proposal. Wordlessly she gathered her luggage and marched off to the taxi rank. Gordon hastened after her with apologetic entreaties but it was to no avail. In an instant she was borne away by taxi leaving Gordon to plod slowly back to his car.

Over the next few days both of them repented of their hasty words (or, in Frieda’s case, hasty lack of words) but neither could think of a gracious way of restoring rapprochement. After almost a week Gordon sent Frieda a bunch of spring daffodils accompanied by a saccharine verse of his own composition:

Let’s mend our fences, dearest friend
This sorry argument let’s end
And so to you these flowers I send.

Frieda, while she welcomed this olive branch, was still too shy to speak to Gordon directly. She therefore replied in kind with a postcard in which she also resorted to verse:

I thank you, sir, for what you wrote 
In that apologetic note.
I chose a pot-luck unknown gift 
Which caused in us a friendship rift.
I would that we our way could see
To put aside our enmity.

Lovers of the English language will be relieved to hear that no further rhymed nonsense was necessary before Gordon phoned Frieda and she invited him round to tea. He stood somewhat nervously before her front door and rang her bell. The door opened and they regarded each other at the threshold before embracing each other warmly. After a few seconds each became aware that their enthusiastic greeting was being witnessed by numerous passersby – a hardly seemly public display. Frieda was the first to collect herself. “I’m so glad you came, Gordon” she said. Gordon replied “So am I, Frieda”. But he had learnt his lesson and the supplementary phrase “It’s all thanks to the Viagra” which unaccountably came into his mind was mercifully left unsaid.

After their afternoon tea (which Frieda had taken meticulous care with) she broached once more the hand where she had bid and made 5♣. Gordon was effusive in his praise but Frieda perceived an imperceptible pause. She looked at the hands again and realisation dawned.

“Oh yes, I see” she said. “If North had led a trump I would have only been able to ruff one spade and my contract would have failed (since another trump led after the ♠A was taken would have killed her second ruff).

Gordon had indeed noticed that but he affected a chivalrous response. “By Jove, Frieda, you are right. But I nevertheless commend your bidding and also the way you exploited the defence’s error”.

Frieda was not taken in by this gallantry but felt it was best to pass on to another hand. “I’ve got a remarkable hand to show you, Gordon, where I obtained an absolutely terrible result. Can you bear to see it?”

What could Gordon say but consent with enthusiasm?
Frieda first showed him her own hand:

♠AQJ92 ♥— ♦Q6532 ♣QJ2

“What would you lead against 6♥ redoubled, Gordon?”
Gordon felt a little under the gun so didn’t ask about the auction and ventured “a small diamond, Frieda”.

Frieda smiled and Gordon deduced he had answered as she had hoped.

“This was the auction, Gordon, and I was North.”

West	North	East	South
1♥	2♥	Pass	2NT
6♥	Pass	Pass	Dbl
Pass	Pass	Rdbl	Pass
Pass	Pass

“Are you still leading a small diamond, Gordon?” Since Gordon had already given what he thought was the answer Frieda wanted he nodded. Frieda revealed the whole hand:

	♠AQJ92 ♥— ♦Q6532 ♣QJ2
♠KT ♥AKJT9876543 ♦— ♣—		♠8764 ♥Q ♦KJT9 ♣9754
	♠53 ♥2 ♦A874 ♣AKT863

Gordon could see immediately that dummy’s ♦J would be covered by South’s ♦A and ruffed. Dummy would be entered with the ♥Q and a spade would be discarded on ♦K.

Gordon was supportively sympathetic but he felt his biggest contribution towards the sympathy pot was to not propose that he would have led a club (the only lead to defeat the contract).

Frieda continued ”And of course the extra salt in the wound was that we could have made a rather fortunate 7♣!”

Gordon felt that it was appropriate to say that no amount of preparation could have guaranteed success against such a freak hand but he wanted to do it without sounding trite or patronising. Eventually inspiration struck.

One of his heroes was the ancient Greek Zeno of Citium, founder of the school of Stoicism. With a deep sigh he declared “Sometimes the gods of bridge are against us, Frieda, and the best we can do is move on from our disasters bloody but unbowed.”

For some reason Frieda found this lugubrious summation very comforting and, seeing this, Gordon offered the following hand as proof that he himself sometimes performed less than perfectly. He had held

♠— ♥KT98 ♦KJT8653 ♣A2

Clearing his throat he began “I was the dealer and decided the hand was too shapely to pass so opened 1♦. Then my RHO overcalled a weak 2♠ and my partner bid 3♠ presumable promising diamond support but just possibly a request for me to show a spade stopper. Thinking that I was being aggressive I leapt to 5♦ which my partner passed but these were the two hands”.

♠98	♥AQ2	♦AQ974	♣K96
♠—	♥KT98	♦KJT8653	♣A2

Ruefully he continued “I know, I know, Frieda, I had nothing to lose by a 4♠ bid and then at least we could have reached 6♦ even if we didn’t bid the lay-down grand”.

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