On Christmas morning Gordon knocked eagerly at Frieda’s front door carrying a bottle of champagne, some Belgian chocolates, and a bunch of red roses. Frieda had promised him a game of Sardines a` deux and he felt that his luck was in. On the other side of the door Frieda was in a state of high agitation. She knew that Gordon had taken her humorous suggestion too literally and she wasn’t quite sure what to do. In any case she had house guests: Voluptua her 18 year old niece with boyfriend Randy. Voluptua and Randy were embarrassingly demonstrative with their affection for each other and Frieda was finding it difficult sometimes to avert her eyes.
Stuttering Christmas greetings she opened the door to Gordon and explained that they would be four for dinner. Gordon hid his disappointment well and presented Frieda with his offerings. This deeply touched Frieda who, making introductions, opened the champagne and offered it liberally. A pleasant hour passed and all were feeling mellow. Abandoning her reserve Frieda suggested that they should all play Sardines and Gordon’s eyes lit up. Frieda volunteered to hide first and after a few minutes Gordon followed in search, champagne bottle in hand. The young folk found themselves alone and repaired to the sofa; this was an opportunity too good to miss.
Gordon meanwhile was opening closet doors and cupboard doors until he heard a sound from Frieda’s wardrobe (if truth be told she had recognised his coming and coughed discreetly to announce her whereabouts). On discovering her, Gordon too clambered into the wardrobe as required by the game and there they waited. . . and waited. . . and waited. But Voluptua and Randy were occupied with one another.
Fifteen minutes passed and both Gordon and Frieda were feeling the strain of crouching in a confined space each trying not to intrude on the other’s personal space but also acutely aware of each other. Eventually Frieda felt a hard object that seemed to emanate from Gordon sticking into her thigh. In fact it was the champagne bottle but Frieda’s speculations were much wilder and she flushed a deep scarlet in the darkness.
“Are you alright, Gordon?” she whispered.
Gordon, whose arthritis was playing him up, answered “I’m a little stiff; am I poking you?”.
This did nothing to reassure Frieda who began to shake. Realising something was wrong Gordon reached out to comfort her and dropped the bottle. Suddenly all was clear, her anxieties vanished, and she in turn reached out to him. In a trice they were in each other’s arms and there they stayed each hoping that the moment would never end.
Later that afternoon the young Voluptua was feeling rather out of sorts. The surprise of seeing her aunt Frieda entering the living room earlier hand in hand with her friend Gordon had worn off. Instead she was pondering on her boyfriend Randy. They seemed to have one thing only in common and while that single thing was rather pleasant they were both getting rather bored of a continual diet of sensual delights. What could be done to spice up their relationship?
Frieda herself, despite the rosy glow of new found romance, was aware that not all was well with Voluptua. “Why don’t you and Randy join the bridge club, dear?” she suggested. The suggestion would certainly have fallen on deaf ears had not Randy entered the room at that moment and said “Oh, Voluptua couldn’t play cards for toffee”.
Voluptua quivered like cherubic jelly and some very hard words followed. The result was that she resolved to take up her aunt’s suggestion, and she threatened to withdraw physical favours from Randy unless he also took up the game.
So it was that the two of them presented their applications to the local bridge club for membership and enrolled in the lessons. In their third lesson Voluptua found herself holding this hand:
♠AKQT9 ♥T ♦AK4 ♣6532
She successfully managed to sort her hand, count her points, and recognise her longest suit. All set to open 1♠ she was somewhat flummoxed to find her right hand opponent (who happened to be Randy, the dealer) making that very same bid. “Double” she proclaimed, confident she could defeat the contract and, at the same time, establish ascendancy in her personal life. To her chagrin, her partner bid 2♥. That ended the auction and they played in their undignified 4-1 fit as Randy smirked irritatingly.
Voluptua was later advised that her only sensible bid initially was “Pass”. “What!” she exclaimed “but I had 16 points”. “Yes, Voluptua” her teacher explained “However suit doubles at the one level are for take-out, and they generally promise some length in the unbid majors, hearts in this case”.
Voluptua wasn’t sure she approved of this passive-aggressive behaviour but she still had a point to prove with Randy and did not, for a moment, think of giving up this strange game.
Bridge Romances 
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