18 year old Voluptua was vexed. How was it that her boyfriend Randy was so engrossed in bridge that he was no longer attentive to her every whim, no longer hanging on her every word and (most hurtful of all) no longer so physically demonstrative in his affections? She was unaware that Randy believed she had become disenchanted with him and was trying to reinstate himself by honing his bridge prowess.
Thinking of how she might once more wrap him around her little finger she had carefully chosen her attire for the weekly bridge where she was scheduled to partner her aunt Frieda. “That skirt is disgracefully short, Voluptua” admonished her aunt as they entered the club, “and that neckline is too revealing”.
“Aunt Frieda,” countered Voluptua “I had to wear something”. She was gleeful; evidently she was all set to vamp.
As it happened their first board was against Randy and Gordon. Voluptua was the dealer sitting South (see below).
♠T6 ♥763 ♦AQT832 ♣64 | ||
| ♠8543 ♥AKQT98 ♦4 ♣Q5 | ♠976 ♥J54 ♦J65 ♣KJT9 | |
| ♠AKQJ ♥2 ♦K97 ♣A8732 |
Clearly she had to open one of the black suits but which one? Eventually she decided that she could spend slightly longer leaning across the table drawing an ‘S’ rather than a ‘C’ and so, as indecently as possible, she opened 1♠. The bidding, having got off to an unusual start, then proceeded:
| West | North | East | South |
| 1♠ | |||
| Pass | 1NT | Pass | 2♣ |
| Pass | 4♠ | Pass | Pass |
| Pass |
Gordon led ♥A and Voluptua surveyed dummy with some dismay. Indeed she became so flustered that she began the play believing that the contract was 3NT. That explains why she allowed Gordon to win the first three tricks in hearts as she discarded clubs rather than ruffing. At that point she became aware that Randy’s gaze was inappropriately directed at exactly where she thought was appropriate and she returned to her senses. Ruffing the fourth heart with the ♠T she drew trumps, ran her diamonds, and emerged with 10 tricks; it was to prove a top. Gordon congratulated her on her excellent trump management and they departed for the next round. “What did you say about rump management, Gordon?” asked Randy.
For the final board of the night Voluptua and Frieda were once more facing Randy and Gordon. Preparing for the fray Voluptua casually undid one more button from an already revealing blouse; she was determined to attract Randy’s attention. An uninspired auction led to Randy (East) declaring 3NT with Voluptua (South) on lead. “All’s fair in love and war” thought Voluptua and so, in the pretence of fingering her cards deciding what to lead, she “accidentally” dropped one of them into her capacious cleavage. Randy went scarlet as Voluptua with much wiggling retrieved the card which everyone saw was the ♣K. The director ruled that this was an exposed card (among other things exposed) and it had to be led. When Voluptua saw that dummy was
♠854 ♥T98 ♦43 ♣AQ432
she felt she might have given the contract away. Randy, completed deceived by the entire charade, saw an opportunity to be a gentleman and he therefore played low in dummy. Surely, he thought, Voluptua would reward him for not taking advantage of her error. He played the hand in an anticipatory daze. Winning the diamond switch he cashed all his top winners, found that clubs divided and came to 9 tricks. The score sheet revealed that all other declarers had failed and so he had earned a top. “Not grabbing that ♣A was a very fine play” observed Gordon “you found the only way to play the suit for 4 tricks”. The complete deal had been:
| ♠T763 ♥85 ♦QT82 ♣JT5 | ||
| ♠854 ♥432 ♦43 ♣AQ432 | ♠AK9 ♥AKT9 ♦AJ65 ♣98 | |
| ♠QJ2 ♥QJ76 ♦K97 ♣K76 |
Voluptua was rather peeved though. In retrospect she had realised that her ♣K lead was actually quite brilliant in tempting declarer to win the Ace (in which case the club suit would have provided 2 tricks only). “How on earth did you find that line, Randy?” she asked. Randy had mixed feelings since the end result was not quite what he had intended and he lapsed into a confused but gracious response. “You found a wonderful lead, Voluptua” said he “and I was fortunate to make the contract despite your breast endeavours”.
Bridge Romances 
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