Voluptua was bemoaning to her Aunt Frieda that her declarer play needed improving. “Honestly, Aunt Frieda, I usually don’t understand a word that Gordon is saying”.
Frieda was understanding. “Don’t worry, Voluptua” she said “I also find him very obscure sometimes. Now what would you like to know?”.
“I’ve heard Gordon say something about ‘eliminating your opponents’ ” she replied. “That sounds like a very useful thing to know”.
Frieda laughed. “Gordon would have been talking about eliminating the side suits before giving the opponents the lead” she said. “Then they may have to lead a critical suit and save you a guess; it’s also called stripping the hand and throwing in the opponents” she continued.
Frieda then spent a good hour on coaching Voluptua in this useful technique.
At the next club night, Voluptua was partnering Randy and was looking forward to impressing him in another way (the usual way still being a winner). Their first opponents were the odious Weasel and Ferret. Steadfastly ignoring their lascivious leers, Voluptua (South) bid accurately to a 4♠ contract and received the ♥K lead. Her brow furrowed, Voluptua considered her chances.
| ♠KT92 ♥T2 ♦J76 ♣AK93 | ||
| ♠63 ♥KQJ8 ♦K32 ♣JT85 | ♠87 ♥76543 ♦AT98 ♣76 | |
| ♠AQJ54 ♥A9 ♦Q54 ♣Q42 |
“What rotten luck” she thought. “I have nine top tricks but can’t ruff anything in dummy for my tenth. If only they had led diamonds I could have established a diamond winner.” Then she remembered Frieda’s wisdom and a smile lit up her face. She knew exactly what to do. She would win the lead with the ♥A and draw trumps. After that she would play three rounds of clubs and ruff the fourth round. Then she would throw in the opponents with a heart. They would either have to play a heart (or club) for her to ruff in dummy or lead diamonds themselves.
Smiling at Randy she said: “Just watch me strip, Randy”.
Randy contained a grin and gravely replied: “I’m looking forward to that, Voluptua; I know you’ll do it beautifully”. The contract was duly made but Voluptua remained puzzled at the outbreak of mirth all round.
A few days later Voluptua, playing with Gordon, had another chance to test herself against the Weasel and the Ferret. In an attempt to fluster Volutua, the Ferret sniggered audibly as she fanned her cards; meanwhile the Weasel peered over to see Voluptua’s hand.
| ♠— ♥Q7543 ♦AQJ62 ♣943 | ||
| ♠AKT84 ♥T9 ♦95 ♣KQJ2 | ♠QJ2 ♥86 ♦T3 ♣AT8765 | |
| ♠97653 ♥AKJ2 ♦K874 ♣— |
“Director!” called Gordon. The director arrived and Gordon, who had misinterpreted the Weasel’s head movement, announced with indignation: “Director, this man is trying to look down my partner’s blouse”. By the time denials had been issued, both Gordon and Voluptua were feeling rather unsettled, and Voluptua was pink with embarrassment. She was South and was the dealer.
Unfortunately, in the confusion, she had mis-sorted her hand and thought that two of her diamonds were hearts. Naturally she opened 1♥. Gordon, equally flustered, made the expert bid of 3♠ (a splinter bid, promising good heart support and singleton or void in spades). But he had forgotten that Voluptua didn’t know about splinter bids. Now it was Voluptua’s turn. From her point of view, she had excellent spade support for Gordon and so she leapt to 6♠.
At this point Gordon had no option but to bid 7♥ and Voluptua, somewhat puzzled, passed.
The Weasel led the ♣K and Voluptua was left to play her grand slam missing two Aces. But she now correctly sorted her hand and all was well. She ruffed the lead, entered dummy with a spade ruff and ruffed a second club. Now she went to dummy with the ♦A and ruffed the last club with ♥K. Finally she unblocked the ♥A, returned to dummy with another spade ruff, drew the outstanding trumps with ♥Q and ran her diamonds.
The Weasel and Ferret were livid. But Voluptua, suppressing her elation, primly buttoned up her blouse and set off for the bar.
Bridge Romances 
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