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Voluptua was beginning to enjoy her bridge. At the age of 18 it was the first time she had faced a mental challenge greater than deciding on her lipstick colour and she was responding to the competitive element with enthusiasm. Trying to encourage her, her Aunt Frieda had agreed to partner her at a regular game at the club. On the very first hand Voluptua found herself playing (as West) in a ♥6 contract receiving a trump lead.

♠94 ♥AJT965 ♦76 ♣AK2

♠AQ ♥KQ432 ♦AQ9 ♣Q54

Complaining silently there appeared to be very little ruffing she could do despite the 11 card fit she knit her handsome brows and set about drawing trumps. After 4 rounds she noticed that the opponents had stopped following and decided that no further extraction was necessary. Since, in a recent lesson she had learnt about finessing, her next move was a spade to the queen but, to her anguish, it lost to the king and a spade came back. Another finesse then beckoned. She crossed to her Ace of clubs and played a diamond to the queen.

Once again it was topped by the king and she was one down. With an unladylike oath she rose to her feet. “That was ****ing wild bidding, Aunt Frieda; you put me in a ****ing impossible contract”. She was suddenly conscious that the entire room was staring at her and since her aunt had insisted tonight that she wear a knee long skirt and high necked blouse she realised that she had made an exhibition of bad manners rather than immodesty of attire.

With profuse apologies to Frieda and the rest of the room she resumed her seat and resolved to cultivate a more seemly demeanour. Frieda gamely forebore to explain how the contract was cold realising that Voluptua was in no mood at that time for admonishment.

A few days later however Voluptua herself saw how she could have made her contract. As Frieda and now Voluptua had realised all that declarer needs to do is draw trumps and play 3 rounds of clubs ending in her hand. Then a diamond to the 9 endplays South. A club return allows a ruff in dummy and the losing spade to be discarded. A diamond or spade removes the guess in that suit.

And the unspoken lesson that Frieda taught Voluptua? Don’t correct or criticise your partner at the bridge table. This was a lesson she never forgot and the very next week she put it into practice when partnering Randy.

They were playing against a pair of club visitors who were on holiday, two very courteous old men who awed the rest of the room as they were leading players on the Polish international bridge squad. Their East player played 6♥ doubled by Randy (North).

	♠KQ3 ♥4 ♦AKQ64 ♣Q976
♠T976 ♥Q3 ♦9753 ♣AKT		♠— ♥AKJT87652 ♦J ♣J83
	♠AJ8542 ♥9 ♦T82 ♣542

Voluptua was on lead and led ♦2 (as Randy had opened the bidding with 1♦). East ruffed the diamond continuation and led out all his trumps except one to reach this position

	♠— ♥— ♦A ♣Q97
♠— ♥— ♦97 ♣AK		♠— ♥2 ♦— ♣J83
	♠AJ ♥— ♦T ♣5

Randy had to retain both his diamond winner and his club guard. But now dummy was entered with a top club. Then a diamond was led and ruffed setting up the remaining diamond in dummy. East made it look so easy. Randy flushed with embarrassment while Voluptua radiated serene impassivity. She was looking forward to an interesting post-mortem that night.

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On Christmas morning Gordon knocked eagerly at Frieda’s front door carrying a bottle of champagne, some Belgian chocolates, and a bunch of red roses. Frieda had promised him a game of Sardines a` deux and he felt that his luck was in. On the other side of the door Frieda was in a state of high agitation. She knew that Gordon had taken her humorous suggestion too literally and she wasn’t quite sure what to do. In any case she had house guests: Voluptua her 18 year old niece with boyfriend Randy. Voluptua and Randy were embarrassingly demonstrative with their affection for each other and Frieda was finding it difficult sometimes to avert her eyes.

Stuttering Christmas greetings she opened the door to Gordon and explained that they would be four for dinner. Gordon hid his disappointment well and presented Frieda with his offerings. This deeply touched Frieda who, making introductions, opened the champagne and offered it liberally. A pleasant hour passed and all were feeling mellow. Abandoning her reserve Frieda suggested that they should all play Sardines and Gordon’s eyes lit up. Frieda volunteered to hide first and after a few minutes Gordon followed in search, champagne bottle in hand. The young folk found themselves alone and repaired to the sofa; this was an opportunity too good to miss.

Gordon meanwhile was opening closet doors and cupboard doors until he heard a sound from Frieda’s wardrobe (if truth be told she had recognised his coming and coughed discreetly to announce her whereabouts). On discovering her, Gordon too clambered into the wardrobe as required by the game and there they waited. . . and waited. . . and waited. But Voluptua and Randy were occupied with one another.

Fifteen minutes passed and both Gordon and Frieda were feeling the strain of crouching in a confined space each trying not to intrude on the other’s personal space but also acutely aware of each other. Eventually Frieda felt a hard object that seemed to emanate from Gordon sticking into her thigh. In fact it was the champagne bottle but Frieda’s speculations were much wilder and she flushed a deep scarlet in the darkness.

“Are you alright, Gordon?” she whispered.

Gordon, whose arthritis was playing him up, answered “I’m a little stiff; am I poking you?”.

This did nothing to reassure Frieda who began to shake. Realising something was wrong Gordon reached out to comfort her and dropped the bottle. Suddenly all was clear, her anxieties vanished, and she in turn reached out to him. In a trice they were in each other’s arms and there they stayed each hoping that the moment would never end.

Later that afternoon the young Voluptua was feeling rather out of sorts. The surprise of seeing her aunt Frieda entering the living room earlier hand in hand with her friend Gordon had worn off. Instead she was pondering on her boyfriend Randy. They seemed to have one thing only in common and while that single thing was rather pleasant they were both getting rather bored of a continual diet of sensual delights. What could be done to spice up their relationship?

Frieda herself, despite the rosy glow of new found romance, was aware that not all was well with Voluptua. “Why don’t you and Randy join the bridge club, dear?” she suggested. The suggestion would certainly have fallen on deaf ears had not Randy entered the room at that moment and said “Oh, Voluptua couldn’t play cards for toffee”.

Voluptua quivered like cherubic jelly and some very hard words followed. The result was that she resolved to take up her aunt’s suggestion, and she threatened to withdraw physical favours from Randy unless he also took up the game.

So it was that the two of them presented their applications to the local bridge club for membership and enrolled in the lessons. In their third lesson Voluptua found herself holding this hand:

♠AKQT9 ♥T ♦AK4 ♣6532

She successfully managed to sort her hand, count her points, and recognise her longest suit. All set to open 1♠ she was somewhat flummoxed to find her right hand opponent (who happened to be Randy, the dealer) making that very same bid. “Double” she proclaimed, confident she could defeat the contract and, at the same time, establish ascendancy in her personal life. To her chagrin, her partner bid 2♥. That ended the auction and they played in their undignified 4-1 fit as Randy smirked irritatingly.

Voluptua was later advised that her only sensible bid initially was “Pass”. “What!” she exclaimed “but I had 16 points”. “Yes, Voluptua” her teacher explained “However suit doubles at the one level are for take-out, and they generally promise some length in the unbid majors, hearts in this case”.

Voluptua wasn’t sure she approved of this passive-aggressive behaviour but she still had a point to prove with Randy and did not, for a moment, think of giving up this strange game.

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Gordon was feeling a little embarrassed. He had just declared five hands in a row and he sensed that Frieda was itching to be other than a dummy. So, on the last hand of the night, when he picked up

♠QJT4 ♥KQJT65 ♦J8 ♣3

and imagined himself playing in a heart contract his own heart fell somewhat. He perked up a little when he heard Frieda open the bidding with 1♦. Nevertheless, it required a conscious effort to pass Frieda’s final bid after the auction.

West	North	East	South
	1♦	1NT	2♥
Pass	3♣	Pass	3♥
Pass	3NT	Pass	Pass
Pass

Frieda was sitting North and received the ♠3 lead. Here was her predicament:

	♠A86 ♥3 ♦A9432 ♣KQT2
	♠QJT4 ♥KQJT65 ♦J8 ♣3

Hoping to tempt West into playing ♠K, Frieda played the ♠Q from dummy. West however did not oblige and played ♠2. But Frieda had carefully analysed the entries to dummy’s heart suit; she resisted the temptation to win the trick cheaply and put up the Ace of spades. Now she could establish the heart suit and even though the defence held up the Ace of hearts she could force an entry into dummy via spades. The whole hand was

	♠A86 ♥3 ♦A9432 ♣KQT2
♠972 ♥874 ♦T65 ♣7654		♠K53 ♥A92 ♦KQ7 ♣AJ98
	♠QJT4 ♥KQJT65 ♦J8 ♣3

4♥ would have failed and Gordon was in seventh heaven. Not only had they ended with a top board but he felt sure that his unselfish bidding would earn him some personal reward. And so it proved. “I do hope you’ll come to dinner on Christmas Day, Gordon; we’ll play Sardines”. With an arch smile she added “Just the two of us”.

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Gordon had just presented Frieda with a book on declarer play and they were seated on Gordon’s settee reading the chapter entitled “Throw-ins and end plays”. Puzzled she said “I don’t understand how anything interesting can be learnt about a hand that you throw in, Gordon”.

Gordon, who had read a little further was able to enlighten her. “‘Throw- in’ means to present your opponent with the lead at such a point that anything they lead will be to your advantage, Frieda”.

Frieda sniffed: “Is that all? They should have said so. Remember that hand I played last week?” Frieda, South, had played in 2♥ and the lead had been the ♦K.

	♠T64 ♥K543 ♦542 ♣J43
♠AJ ♥T9 ♦KQJT ♣Q9876		♠KQ532 ♥86 ♦9876 ♣T5
	♠987 ♥AQJ72 ♦A3 ♣AK2

There appeared to be 8 tricks with no chance of a ninth. But Frieda was inspired. She ducked the first diamond and took the second. Then she drew trumps ending in dummy, ruffed her last diamond, and exited with a spade, won by West with the Jack. This was the position with West on lead.

	♠T6 ♥54 ♦— ♣J43
♠A ♥— ♦J ♣Q9876		♠KQ53 ♥— ♦9 ♣T5
	♠98 ♥QJ ♦— ♣AK2

Unwilling to give a ruff and discard by leading a diamond, and unwilling to play the bare ♠A, West played a club. This allowed Frieda to make her ♣J. She then played two further rounds of clubs and again exited with a spade. Poor West was again thrown in, and now forced to lead a diamond or club, and Frieda got her ruff and discard. So she actually made 10 tricks which gave them a top board.

What is the best defence for East-West? It is not easy to find it at the table. When Frieda exits the first time with a spade, West must play the Ace! Then West plays the ♠J, East cashes two spades and plays a club. There is then no way to come to more than 8 tricks.

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Gordon and Frieda were defending a tricky slam contract. The bidding had been swift:

West	North	East	South
Pass	Pass	Pass	1♠
Pass	3♠	Pass	6♠
Pass	Pass	Pass

and Frieda, sitting West, led the ♣2. Looking at her feeble collection

♠65 ♥K2 ♦J432 ♣75432

she did not have much hope of defeating the contract. Her only significant card was ♥K. “Better use that to good effect” she thought. So intent on that thought was she that, when declarer casually played the ♥A to the second trick, Frieda accidentally played her King! Realising immediately, she flushed but otherwise remained impassive. The full hand was

	♠QT984 ♥J94 ♦A6 ♣KT9
♠65 ♥K2 ♦J432 ♣75432		♠32 ♥QT753 ♦Q85 ♣QJ6
	♠AKJ7 ♥A86 ♦KT97 ♣A8

In due course, the contract failed by one trick much to Frieda’s relief. “Brilliant, Frieda” said Gordon.

“Um, thank you, Gordon, I . . . ”.

Gordon continued. “If you hadn’t thrown your King under the Ace of hearts, declarer would have drawn trumps, cashed the top cards in diamonds and clubs, ruffed a diamond, ruffed a club, ruffed a diamond to get to this position:”

	♠Q ♥J9 ♦— ♣—
♠— ♥K ♦— ♣75		♠— ♥QT7 ♦— ♣—
	♠J ♥86 ♦— ♣—

“Then he would have played a heart for you to take with your King and you would have had to concede a ruff and discard. But, since you had discarded your King already, I took the heart and cashed another heart winner”.

Frieda had to confess that her brilliancy was inadvertent hoping that Gordon wouldn’t think less of her. But her honesty and her heart play had quite won his own heart.

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“I really don’t know what to bring back for Gordon” thought Frieda anxiously. She was in a Sydney market and her plane was leaving for New Zealand later that day. She and Gordon had parted under rather ambiguous circumstances and she was unsure how personal a present to buy. Her eye fell on a stall calling itself “Paddy’s Gifts for Gentlemen”. The gifts were pre-wrapped and their contents advertised by phrases such as “To make Dad happy” and “For a keen sportsman”. There was a small package entitled “For men – a personal gift”. That sounded ideal and Frieda handed over her $20 and hurried off to the airport.

Safely on the plane she recalled with pleasure a hand she had played while she was away; Gordon would be sure to be impressed. Her right-hand opponent had opened 1♣ alerted as showing 16+ HCP. Having a magnificent club suit herself she leapt to 5♣, all passed, her left-hand opponent led the Ace of spades, and Frieda regarded her dummy.

Frieda	Dummy
♠87652 ♥— ♦A ♣AKQJT76	♠3 ♥JT92 ♦87654 ♣982

At trick two the opponents switched to a trump. It didn’t take long before she formed her plan, a simple one it must be admitted (and she would modestly say so when relating the hand to Gordon). She won the second trick, ruffed a spade, came to her hand with the Ace of diamonds, and ruffed another spade with dummy’s last trump. The opponents had both followed to the third spade so all was well. She ruffed a heart back to her hand, drew trumps, and led her fourth spade. Although her right-hand opponent captured this, Frieda’s fifth spade was now good and she claimed the rest.

Her reverie was cut short by the landing of the plane and she readied herself for seeing Gordon who was meeting her. She told herself that it was essential she appeared warm, yet dignified; pleased to see him but not too effusive; friendly but not embarrassingly eager; assured but not arrogant; enigmatic but not aloof (Oh, get on with it, Frieda, an inner voice called). Certainly, after their last parting, she would need to judge her manner rather exactly.

Gordon greeted her at the gate and she retrieved her little package from her handbag. “It’s just a little thing for you, Gordon” she said in a tone that was intended to be rather quiet but actually came out low and sultry. Gordon’s thanks were profuse and Frieda eagerly watched as he unwrapped it. As the wrapping paper fell away and the gift came into view, Frieda saw in horror that she had just presented Gordon with a packet of Viagra.

It was obvious to Gordon from Frieda’s confusion that her gift of sexual potency was entirely inadvertent. Nevertheless he was knocked off balance and searching around for something humorous to relieve Frieda’s discomfort he somehow managed to hit entirely the wrong note: “Thank you, Frieda; when do you think we should try it out?”.

This was too much for Frieda who, in the heat of her embarrassment, could not bear even a hint that she might have made an improper proposal. Wordlessly she gathered her luggage and marched off to the taxi rank. Gordon hastened after her with apologetic entreaties but it was to no avail. In an instant she was borne away by taxi leaving Gordon to plod slowly back to his car.

Over the next few days both of them repented of their hasty words (or, in Frieda’s case, hasty lack of words) but neither could think of a gracious way of restoring rapprochement. After almost a week Gordon sent Frieda a bunch of spring daffodils accompanied by a saccharine verse of his own composition:

Let’s mend our fences, dearest friend
This sorry argument let’s end
And so to you these flowers I send.

Frieda, while she welcomed this olive branch, was still too shy to speak to Gordon directly. She therefore replied in kind with a postcard in which she also resorted to verse:

I thank you, sir, for what you wrote 
In that apologetic note.
I chose a pot-luck unknown gift 
Which caused in us a friendship rift.
I would that we our way could see
To put aside our enmity.

Lovers of the English language will be relieved to hear that no further rhymed nonsense was necessary before Gordon phoned Frieda and she invited him round to tea. He stood somewhat nervously before her front door and rang her bell. The door opened and they regarded each other at the threshold before embracing each other warmly. After a few seconds each became aware that their enthusiastic greeting was being witnessed by numerous passersby – a hardly seemly public display. Frieda was the first to collect herself. “I’m so glad you came, Gordon” she said. Gordon replied “So am I, Frieda”. But he had learnt his lesson and the supplementary phrase “It’s all thanks to the Viagra” which unaccountably came into his mind was mercifully left unsaid.

After their afternoon tea (which Frieda had taken meticulous care with) she broached once more the hand where she had bid and made 5♣. Gordon was effusive in his praise but Frieda perceived an imperceptible pause. She looked at the hands again and realisation dawned.

“Oh yes, I see” she said. “If North had led a trump I would have only been able to ruff one spade and my contract would have failed (since another trump led after the ♠A was taken would have killed her second ruff).

Gordon had indeed noticed that but he affected a chivalrous response. “By Jove, Frieda, you are right. But I nevertheless commend your bidding and also the way you exploited the defence’s error”.

Frieda was not taken in by this gallantry but felt it was best to pass on to another hand. “I’ve got a remarkable hand to show you, Gordon, where I obtained an absolutely terrible result. Can you bear to see it?”

What could Gordon say but consent with enthusiasm?
Frieda first showed him her own hand:

♠AQJ92 ♥— ♦Q6532 ♣QJ2

“What would you lead against 6♥ redoubled, Gordon?”
Gordon felt a little under the gun so didn’t ask about the auction and ventured “a small diamond, Frieda”.

Frieda smiled and Gordon deduced he had answered as she had hoped.

“This was the auction, Gordon, and I was North.”

West	North	East	South
1♥	2♥	Pass	2NT
6♥	Pass	Pass	Dbl
Pass	Pass	Rdbl	Pass
Pass	Pass

“Are you still leading a small diamond, Gordon?” Since Gordon had already given what he thought was the answer Frieda wanted he nodded. Frieda revealed the whole hand:

	♠AQJ92 ♥— ♦Q6532 ♣QJ2
♠KT ♥AKJT9876543 ♦— ♣—		♠8764 ♥Q ♦KJT9 ♣9754
	♠53 ♥2 ♦A874 ♣AKT863

Gordon could see immediately that dummy’s ♦J would be covered by South’s ♦A and ruffed. Dummy would be entered with the ♥Q and a spade would be discarded on ♦K.

Gordon was supportively sympathetic but he felt his biggest contribution towards the sympathy pot was to not propose that he would have led a club (the only lead to defeat the contract).

Frieda continued ”And of course the extra salt in the wound was that we could have made a rather fortunate 7♣!”

Gordon felt that it was appropriate to say that no amount of preparation could have guaranteed success against such a freak hand but he wanted to do it without sounding trite or patronising. Eventually inspiration struck.

One of his heroes was the ancient Greek Zeno of Citium, founder of the school of Stoicism. With a deep sigh he declared “Sometimes the gods of bridge are against us, Frieda, and the best we can do is move on from our disasters bloody but unbowed.”

For some reason Frieda found this lugubrious summation very comforting and, seeing this, Gordon offered the following hand as proof that he himself sometimes performed less than perfectly. He had held

♠— ♥KT98 ♦KJT8653 ♣A2

Clearing his throat he began “I was the dealer and decided the hand was too shapely to pass so opened 1♦. Then my RHO overcalled a weak 2♠ and my partner bid 3♠ presumable promising diamond support but just possibly a request for me to show a spade stopper. Thinking that I was being aggressive I leapt to 5♦ which my partner passed but these were the two hands”.

♠98	♥AQ2	♦AQ974	♣K96
♠—	♥KT98	♦KJT8653	♣A2

Ruefully he continued “I know, I know, Frieda, I had nothing to lose by a 4♠ bid and then at least we could have reached 6♦ even if we didn’t bid the lay-down grand”.

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