Bridge Romances

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  • The unpleasant Americans

    Frieda and Gordon’s honeymoon was being spent on a bridge cruise. The weather was perfect and the ship’s food delicious. The only fly in an otherwise perfect ointment was the presence of an American couple. They were Trump supporters who, on learning that Gordon’s sister was a notable reporter in Yemen and very critical of the US policy there, had made it their business to be as unpleasant as possible to the honeymoon couple.

    On the whole Gordon and Frieda managed to retain their cool in the face of a barrage of insults, which irritated Mr Delano Sr III and his wife all the more. Halfway through the cruise they met over the bridge table with Gordon, South, declarer in 4♠.

    ♠A8432
    ♥K63
    ♦K4
    ♣A84
    ♠T
    ♥T5
    ♦QJT987652
    ♣J    		♠97
    ♥QJ984
    ♦—
    ♣KQT952
    ♠KQJ65
    ♥A72
    ♦A3
    ♣763

    Mr Delano Sr III had preempted 4♦ and his wife had managed to convey by a series of sighs that he was definitely not to sacrifice in 5♦ since she was void. Gordon was looking forward to making an apparently easy contract when the ♦Q was led. He covered with the ♦K and Mrs Delano ruffed muttering something about pinko Commie liberals.

    There now appeared to be 4 inevitable losers and, even worse, the consequent Delano bragging. Gordon saw one chance. He followed to the first trick with the ♦A! This elicited a scornful rejoinder from Mr Delano about Gordon’s inattention. But the last laugh was Gordon’s. He won the trump return, drew trumps, and played his two top hearts and the ♣A. Then he threw his odious opponent in with a diamond which Mr Delano won with the ♦5.

    With only diamonds left, Mr Delano had to play one proclaiming arrogantly that the “ruff-sluff won’t help that ****”. Gordon however discarded a heart from dummy and a club from his own hand. Then, when Mr Delano led another diamond, he was able to ruff in dummy and discard his last club so winning the remainder of the tricks and making his contract.

    The entire bridge room let out a loud cheer at Gordon’s brilliancy which Mr Delano tried to deflect sneeringly “Obvious manouvre, unbeatable contract”. But Frieda, with a wide smile merely remarked innocently “Oh, didn’t you realise that you only had to underplay your ♦2 to avoid the throw-in?”. With a snarl, Mr and Mrs Delano departed mouthing threats of revenge.

    The remainder of the honeymoon bridge cruise was happy and tranquil. They had a wonderful time and their bridge went very well. They had managed to avoid Mr and Mrs Delano Sr III most of the time and the rest of the ship’s company was very congenial. On the final night however they had to play the last hand against the Delanos with whom they were running neck and neck for first place on the ship’s bridge ladder.

    ♠J4
    ♥73
    ♦KQJT743
    ♣A6
    ♠T95
    ♥J982
    ♦—
    ♣T98752    		♠A876
    ♥QT6
    ♦A65
    ♣K43
    ♠KQ32
    ♥AK54
    ♦982
    ♣QJ

    Mrs Delano (North) was the dealer. She bid 1♦ while fingering the ostentatious diamond ring she was wearing. In the Delanos’ system that meant a solid diamond suit. Gordon (East) passed awaiting developments. Mr Delano bid 1NT, an eccentric bid unless you knew that it was forcing. Mrs Delano saw no reason to alert her opponents to this aspect of their agreements and bid 2♦. Mr Delano bid 2NT, Mrs Delano 3♦, and Mr Delano 3NT (the ultimate “husband” bid).

    Frieda decided to lead ♠T hoping to strike her partner’s suit. Mr Delano covered with dummy’s Jack and Gordon won the trick with his Ace. Already the critical point of the hand had been reached. Gordon realised from the bidding that all the outstanding cards were held by declarer.

    After half a minute’s thought he returned the ♣K sacrificing his club trick. Mr Delano puffed up his shoulders now that he had no club loser and won with dummy’s Ace. He now started leading diamonds. However, Gordon held up his Ace until the third round and dummy’s magnificent diamond suit was dead as dust.

    In due time Mr Delano was held to 8 tricks (2 spades, 2 hearts, 2 diamonds, 2 clubs) and was the only declarer to go down. Frieda was quietly appreciative, it not being seemly to publicly draw attention to Gordon’s brilliancy; especially as they would now win the event. The Delanos suffered from no such delicacies and departed muttering imprecations and threats about “bombing Noo Zealand”.

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  • Impending Wedlock

    Frieda and Gordon were to be married. Gordon had proposed after proudly presenting Frieda with his large cucumber which he had planted lovingly in Frieda’s front garden some months before. Voluptua was to be the bridesmaid though the term brideswoman would have been more apt. Randy’s official role was to organise Gordon’s stag night but Gordon had insisted that a quiet game of bridge was all he wanted. So it was that Randy and Gordon were to be found at the local bridge club. They were doing quite well but it seemed that they needed a good final board. Gordon was West and the auction was very simple:

    WestNorthEastSouth
    1♠
    Dbl 2♠ Pass 4♠
    PassPassPass


    Gordon was on lead and led ♣A. This is what he saw:

    ♠K92
    ♥652
    ♦A98
    ♣QJ54

    ♠83
    ♥AQ43
    ♦6542
    ♣AK3

    The ♣A held the trick and, fearing club discards, Gordon then led ♦2. Declarer took this in dummy, ruffed a diamond and then drew two rounds of trumps with ♠A and ♠Q, Randy playing ♠J on the second round. Next declarer played a small club which Gordon took with his ♣K, Randy following suit. The turning point of the hand had been reached. What should Gordon do now? As it happened, Gordon managed to find the right defence but he had been helped by a declarer error. Before reading on you might like to find it.

    By ruffing a diamond declarer had revealed that he had exactly 6 cards in hearts and clubs and therefore that he had no way of discarding all but two hearts. So it was safe for Gordon to continue diamonds (or clubs) and wait for two heart tricks at the end. Without that information Gordon may have thought is was time to cash out.

    Most declarers had not given the defence the chance to go wrong so this proved to be a good board for Gordon and Randy. On learning that they had topped the field they ordered a bottle of wine in celebration.

    After finishing the bottle they were in no fit state to drive and had to order a taxi. They collapsed in the back seat and mumbled explanations and directions to the driver (“bridge, fun, stag night”). The driver could scarcely understand their slurred speech but picked up “stag night” and “fun” so exercised his initiative. A few minutes later he deposited them outside a house of ill-repute and sped off. There were no telephones in sight and no light visible except in that single establishment. So the night ended with Gordon phoning Frieda with the words: “Drunk, and in a brothel on Bridge street; can you come and fetch us?”

    Roused from slumber Frieda gamely found her way to the hapless men-folk. She couldn’t help herself smiling at their plight. So, while she might reasonably have lectured them on their thoughtless behaviour, she decided that it would be a story to bring up when she needed a gentle way of puncturing any pomposity on her future husband’s part.

    On the morning of the wedding day the sun shone bright and clear and the ceremony went swimmingly well. No-one had forgotten their lines (despite Gordon’s nightmare of the previous week where he had dreamt he had fluffed a line as “My awful headed wife”). Rather than a traditional dinner and dance reception the bridal couple had decided to have a night of bridge, wine and nibbles. (Somewhat unbelievably, all their friends and relations were keen bridge players). No-one was taking the bridge very seriously and so, when Frieda (West) picked up this monster hand:

    ♠AQ32 ♥AQ9 ♦— ♣AKQJT9

    she decided that everyone was too far into their cups to have patience with a long scientific auction: she simply opened the bidding with 6♣ and awaited Gordon’s dummy with a thrill of anticipation. North led ♦K and this is what she saw.

    ♠AQ75
    ♥AQ9
    ♦—
    ♣AKQJT9    		♠JT
    ♥JT876
    ♦A72
    ♣542

    At trick one Frieda faced a knotty problem. Should she discard a heart or a spade on the Ace of diamonds? Which major suit should she finesse in? Would her new husband forgive her for going down? Had she packed suitable nightwear for the honeymoon?

    Frieda’s mind cleared. She played low in dummy and ruffed the opening lead. Then she drew trumps. Her next move was to play the ♥Q from her hand. It does not help the defence to take this trick since Frieda can win the return, play ♥A, enter dummy with ♥J, and discard her losing spades on the winning hearts and ♦A. The alert defence spotted this, of course, and let the ♥Q hold.

    But now Frieda simply played a low spade from her hand. The defence can take this or duck it (in the latter case, Frieda has reached dummy, in the former case Frieda can later enter dummy with a spade play). In both cases the losing heart can be discarded on ♦A and one spade only is lost.

    It was a wonderful start to married life and, as news of Frieda’s prowess spread around the room, a cloud of confetti was showered over the card table from happy well-wishers. Gordon regaled bridge players and non-bridge players throughout the honeymoon with the story of how Frieda came into his hand after sacrificing her Queen of Hearts. This raised a few eyebrows among non-bridge players but Frieda and Gordon were blissful in their ignorance.

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  • Wink, wink, nudge, nudge

    Voluptua had had a succession of good results against the dastardly Weasel and Ferret who were determined to get their revenge. When they met next in the weekly duplicate the Weasel (South) was in 3NT, had won 7 tricks, and needed the last two to make his contract. This was the situation:

    ♠—
    ♥AQ
    ♦—
    ♣—
    ♠—
    ♥32
    ♦—
    ♣—    		♠—
    ♥KJ
    ♦—
    ♣—
    ♠—
    ♥T9
    ♦—
    ♣—

    Desperate measures were called for, especially as he had already peeped at Voluptua’s hand (East) and seen that the ♥K was off-side. With a shrug he played the ♥T saying “I’d better take the heart finesse”. On hearing this Voluptua prepared to capture the ♥Q with the ♥K, and therefore played the ♥K. Only then, to her dismay, did she see that the Weasel had played the ♥A from dummy! The Weasel rubbed salt into her wound by an obvious and very lewd wink in her direction.

    On the second board of the set the Weasel arrived in 4♠ and Randy began the defence by winning the first two tricks with the Ace and King of hearts.

    ♠KQT
    ♥65
    ♦K9876
    ♣A54
    ♠83
    ♥AKT943
    ♦Q54
    ♣63    		♠AJ
    ♥72
    ♦JT3
    ♣QJT987
    ♠976543
    ♥QJ8
    ♦A2
    ♣K2

    “That’s a good start” thought Voluptua, and when Randy played a third heart she prepared to overruff dummy who had played the ♠Q.

    Just at that point the Ferret (dummy), who had left the table, returned. He saw that there was an impending ruff and ‘accidentally on purpose’ gave Voluptua a hard nudge as he passed. Startled, she dropped the ♣7 on the table. The Weasel, winking at his partner, insisted that she played it.

    However, it was now inevitable that Voluptua came to two trump tricks (whereas, had she overruffed the third heart with the ♠A she would only have scored one). The Ferret’s nudge had been costly.

    Randy, realising what had happened and spotting a good opportunity, congratulated Voluptua on not overruffing. “That was a very good performance, Voluptua” he remarked “Smooth is better than ‘ruff’ as we both know”. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink seemed to sum up the incident.

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  • Voluptua’s learning curves

    Voluptua was bemoaning to her Aunt Frieda that her declarer play needed improving. “Honestly, Aunt Frieda, I usually don’t understand a word that Gordon is saying”.

    Frieda was understanding. “Don’t worry, Voluptua” she said “I also find him very obscure sometimes. Now what would you like to know?”.

    “I’ve heard Gordon say something about ‘eliminating your opponents’ ” she replied. “That sounds like a very useful thing to know”.

    Frieda laughed. “Gordon would have been talking about eliminating the side suits before giving the opponents the lead” she said. “Then they may have to lead a critical suit and save you a guess; it’s also called stripping the hand and throwing in the opponents” she continued.

    Frieda then spent a good hour on coaching Voluptua in this useful technique.

    At the next club night, Voluptua was partnering Randy and was looking forward to impressing him in another way (the usual way still being a winner). Their first opponents were the odious Weasel and Ferret. Steadfastly ignoring their lascivious leers, Voluptua (South) bid accurately to a 4♠ contract and received the ♥K lead. Her brow furrowed, Voluptua considered her chances.

    ♠KT92
    ♥T2
    ♦J76
    ♣AK93
    ♠63
    ♥KQJ8
    ♦K32
    ♣JT85    		♠87
    ♥76543
    ♦AT98
    ♣76
    ♠AQJ54
    ♥A9
    ♦Q54
    ♣Q42

    “What rotten luck” she thought. “I have nine top tricks but can’t ruff anything in dummy for my tenth. If only they had led diamonds I could have established a diamond winner.” Then she remembered Frieda’s wisdom and a smile lit up her face. She knew exactly what to do. She would win the lead with the ♥A and draw trumps. After that she would play three rounds of clubs and ruff the fourth round. Then she would throw in the opponents with a heart. They would either have to play a heart (or club) for her to ruff in dummy or lead diamonds themselves.

    Smiling at Randy she said: “Just watch me strip, Randy”.

    Randy contained a grin and gravely replied: “I’m looking forward to that, Voluptua; I know you’ll do it beautifully”. The contract was duly made but Voluptua remained puzzled at the outbreak of mirth all round.

    A few days later Voluptua, playing with Gordon, had another chance to test herself against the Weasel and the Ferret. In an attempt to fluster Volutua, the Ferret sniggered audibly as she fanned her cards; meanwhile the Weasel peered over to see Voluptua’s hand.

    ♠—
    ♥Q7543
    ♦AQJ62
    ♣943
    ♠AKT84
    ♥T9
    ♦95
    ♣KQJ2    		♠QJ2
    ♥86
    ♦T3
    ♣AT8765
    ♠97653
    ♥AKJ2
    ♦K874
    ♣—

    “Director!” called Gordon. The director arrived and Gordon, who had misinterpreted the Weasel’s head movement, announced with indignation: “Director, this man is trying to look down my partner’s blouse”. By the time denials had been issued, both Gordon and Voluptua were feeling rather unsettled, and Voluptua was pink with embarrassment. She was South and was the dealer.

    Unfortunately, in the confusion, she had mis-sorted her hand and thought that two of her diamonds were hearts. Naturally she opened 1♥. Gordon, equally flustered, made the expert bid of 3♠ (a splinter bid, promising good heart support and singleton or void in spades). But he had forgotten that Voluptua didn’t know about splinter bids. Now it was Voluptua’s turn. From her point of view, she had excellent spade support for Gordon and so she leapt to 6♠.

    At this point Gordon had no option but to bid 7♥ and Voluptua, somewhat puzzled, passed.

    The Weasel led the ♣K and Voluptua was left to play her grand slam missing two Aces. But she now correctly sorted her hand and all was well. She ruffed the lead, entered dummy with a spade ruff and ruffed a second club. Now she went to dummy with the ♦A and ruffed the last club with ♥K. Finally she unblocked the ♥A, returned to dummy with another spade ruff, drew the outstanding trumps with ♥Q and ran her diamonds.

    The Weasel and Ferret were livid. But Voluptua, suppressing her elation, primly buttoned up her blouse and set off for the bar.

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  • Christmas Day lessons

    Frieda, Gordon, Randy, and Voluptua were consuming brandy and mince pies, the final stage of a large and alcoholic Christmas lunch. All but Gordon were looking forward to an afternoon snooze but he was waxing lyrical about bridge avoidance plays. Realising there was no way to shut him up Randy tried a little joke: “Play second hand high, as you always say, Gordon” he mumbled.

    “No, Randy” replied Gordon, “you’ve got it wrong; second hand should play low”.

    “High” countered Randy but Gordon wouldn’t rise to the bait. Instead he insisted on showing them this example of an avoidance play in which he had starred as South.

    ♠AKT92
    ♥T32
    ♦K76
    ♣97
    ♠Q63
    ♥KQ4
    ♦32
    ♣T8654    		♠J87
    ♥J86
    ♦AJT98
    ♣32
    ♠54
    ♥A975
    ♦Q54
    ♣AKQJ

    The contract had been 3NT and West had led ♦3 (the lunatic sitting East had overcalled in diamonds). Gordon preened himself. “I played low in dummy, East played the ♦8 and I won my queen. Now all I had to do was make a skilful avoidance play: I played a spade and put in the ten from dummy. East took his ♠J but I had protected dummy’s ♦K and now had 4 spade tricks, 4 clubs, the ♥A and my initial diamond trick. I made an overtrick for a top board.”

    Randy had not been paying much attention and continued his rather silly jest: “Second hand high, Gordon, as you always say”. Gordon was exasperated but Frieda had noticed something rather interesting.

    “Gordon, what if West plays ♠Q at trick 2 – second hand high, as Randy says”.

    Gordon was silent, an awful realisation dawning. If the ♠Q is allowed to hold, the diamond continuation is devastating. On the other hand, if the ♠A or ♠K is played, the spade suit cannot be established. In either case, Gordon would be held to 8 tricks.

    The final comment was left to Voluptua. Pulling down a rather dishevelled and disgracefully short skirt she murmured to Randy: “Second hand high, second hand low, restrain yourself and wait until later”.

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  • Enter the Weasel and Ferret

    Frieda and Gordon were playing an early board of the evening against the Weasel and the Ferret. Their names had been bestowed because both of them were untroubled by consciences, and routinely cheated to improve their chances. Frieda and Gordon had played against them on the previous board and had done poorly because the Ferret had peered into an unfortunately placed reflecting window pane and glimpsed Frieda’s hand. This time the hands were as follows with the Weasel sitting West and Gordon sitting North.

    ♠—
    ♥K6
    ♦76432
    ♣AKJT43
    ♠AQ63
    ♥A873
    ♦KQJ
    ♣98    		♠KJT954
    ♥—
    ♦AT85
    ♣762
    ♠872
    ♥QJT9543
    ♦9
    ♣Q5

    The Weasel opened 1♥ and Gordon overcalled 2♣.

    “Look at that!” exclaimed the Ferret pointing down the room. Frieda and Gordon both looked around and as they did so the Weasel deftly altered the bidding pad so that Gordon’s bid read 7♣.

    Regaining their attention both Frieda and Gordon saw what had happened but had no evidence. Despite a call to the director the 7♣ bid had to stand. The Ferret duly doubled and lead his ♠J on which the Weasel played the ♠A.

    Desperate measures were called for and Gordon rose to the occasion. He ruffed the opening lead and quickly turned his card over placing it in the direction that indicated he had lost the trick; then he waited as though for West to lead. The Weasel was fooled into believing that he had won the trick and, correctly reasoning that his partner was void in hearts, laid down the ♥A.

    “Director!” called Gordon. The director ruled that the ♥A was a penalty card that had to be played at the first opportunity.

    Now Gordon played three rounds of clubs on the last of which the Weasel was forced to play the ♥A. After that Gordon took seven tricks in hearts and with six tricks in clubs wrapped up his grand slam.

    News of the remarkable hand soon filtered around the room and Gordon and Frieda found themselves at the centre of a knot of delighted players who had suffered at the hands of the Weasel and Ferret. As for the villains: they slunk away vowing revenge.

    The opportunity for revenge occurred on the last two boards of the evening when Gordon and Frieda were once more facing the dastardly pair. On the first board, the Ferret, sitting South, opened 1♠ and the Weasel, holding

    ♠QT86 ♥AQ ♦4 ♣876543

    had to decide between giving a simple raise or an invitational double raise. Wanting to get across that his hand was worth a bid of about two and a half spades the Weasel found a neat solution: he bid 2♠ but accompanied the bid with a display of the stop card. The Ferret understood completely and jumped to game on otherwise slender values. The contract was unbeatable, no other pair had bid it, and Frieda and Gordon earned a cold bottom.

    On the second board things didn’t look very bright either for our heroes since Frieda, West, bid to 6♣ and the Weasel, peeking at Frieda’s hand and holding ♣KQ9 behind Frieda’s ♣A, doubled sneeringly.

    Seeing dummy after the ♠7 lead, Frieda felt they were heading for another bottom. She thought “This seems to be a reasonable contract; I need only one of the missing club honours to be on my right; but that poisonous Weasel seems to have both of them. How did he know that they were so well-placed? Still I may be able to manage something if the other suits break reasonably”.

    ♠763
    ♥9732
    ♦A32
    ♣KQ9
    ♠985
    ♥AKQJ
    ♦—
    ♣AJ6532    		♠AKQ42
    ♥—
    ♦KQJT
    ♣T874

    ♠JT
    ♥T8654
    ♦987654
    ♣—

    Frieda won the ♠A, and played the ♦K. The Ferret went into a huddle, sighing theatrically, and looking skywards, giving the impression of holding the ♦A; finally he played the ♦9. This melodramatic display left Frieda unmoved. She had always intended to ruff and did so with the ♣2.

    Then she played a spade to the King and ruffed another diamond. Next came a spade to the Queen and a third diamond ruffed. Now four rounds of hearts the last of which Frieda ruffed in dummy. This was the situation when Frieda played the ♣7 from dummy on which she played ♣J:

    ♠—
    ♥—
    ♦—
    ♣KQ9
    ♠—
    ♥—
    ♦—
    ♣AJ6    		♠—
    ♥—
    ♦—
    ♣T87
    ♠—
    ♥T
    ♦98
    ♣—

    The Weasel’s goose was cooked. He won with ♣Q and desperately played his ♣9 but dummy’s ♣T won and Frieda’s ♣A took the last trick.

    After the game Frieda, Gordon, Voluptua, and Randy were discussing the evening’s bridge. Frieda was jubilant at making 6♣, Gordon gave a scholarly disquisition on trump end-plays and the necessity for trump reduction, Voluptua tried to follow as best she could, and Randy was left to a lustful reverie. He was shaken from his dreams by Voluptua grasping his knee; but his short-lived hopes were dashed on realising that Voluptua simply wanted him to recount her own triumph against the Weasel and Ferret.

    Voluptua, West, was declarer in 3NT with the Weasel leading the ♠2

    ♠KT92
    ♥K32
    ♦976
    ♣K87
    ♠AQ6
    ♥54
    ♦432
    ♣AQ654    		♠87
    ♥86
    ♦AKQJT
    ♣JT32
    ♠J543
    ♥AQJT97
    ♦85
    ♣9

    Prospects did not appear very bright with the heart suit wide open. The Ferret, South, sensed Voluptua’s unease and, in a blatant attempt to put her off, unkindly remarked to Randy “Your girl-friend may be good-looking but she’s just a dumb blonde”.

    This ploy seemed destined to succeed because Voluptua was indeed so flustered that rather than winning the trick with the ♠Q she inadvertently played the ♠A. She then went to dummy with a diamond and ran the ♣J which was won by the Weasel.

    At this point the defence could have taken the next seven tricks which, together with the trick they had just taken would have put the contract four down. But Voluptua’s accidental play of ♠A made the Weasel believe that the Ferret held the ♠Q. The dastardly Weasel therefore played ♠T and, in a blatant display of the sharp practice for which his name had been won, remarked as though to the room at large “Always return your partner’s lead” thereby informing his partner that he held ♠K. His surprise and fury when Voluptua won this with the ♠Q and then ran off 4 more diamond tricks and 3 club tricks (giving her two overtricks) knew no bounds.

    Virtue, as usual, had triumphed once again. Randy, however, had other ideas. . .

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  • Voluptua enjoys a squeeze

    Randy and Voluptua had gone to their first out of town tournament. They were staying in a motel readying themselves for battle the next day. Randy’s mind was not on the forthcoming bridge at all but was dwelling salaciously on the prospect of a couple of nights away with Voluptua.

    Interpreting one of her winning smiles as an invitation to game he tried to finesse her honour. But it turned out that Voluptua was playing reverse attitude signals and a rebuffed Randy spent the night on the couch.

    Despite this inauspicious start to the adventure the tournament went very well. On the last board Voluptua, South, found herself in 6NT on these hands:

    ♠A
    ♥AK6432
    ♦AKT6
    ♣43
    ♠QJT765
    ♥—
    ♦QJ53
    ♣Q82    		♠84
    ♥QJT987
    ♦872
    ♣75
    ♠K932
    ♥5
    ♦94
    ♣AKJT96

    West, who led his ♠Q, was a cocky young man who repeatedly called Voluptua “Darling”. Both she and Randy had taken a hearty dislike to him and Voluptua was hoping for a good result on this hand. She won the spade lead in dummy and immediately played a club to the Jack; it lost, disappointingly, to West’s queen who continued with ♠J.

    Things looked hopeless with 11 top tricks only. But Voluptua thought she had better take what winners she could so winning the ♠K she played two top hearts then 5 rounds of clubs (discarding 3 hearts and a diamond from dummy).

    On the last club West had to choose between throwing his winning ♠T or unguarding diamonds. Retaining his diamond guard he discarded ♠T and so Voluptua’s ♠9 became a winner. Amazingly she had made her contract, the slimy West was vanquished and, narrowly, they had won the tournament.

    After celebratory drinks they headed back to the motel. As they entered the room Randy complimented Voluptua once more on her magnificent play on the last board. Voluptua was dimly aware of what had happened. “That was a squeeze, Randy” she announced. “I’m just getting the hang of them, and if you play your cards right tonight I’ll show you what I mean”.

    The promise of delights to come hung in the air and Randy was determined not to spoil Voluptua’s mood. Feeling that it would not hurt to dwell on another of their good boards he brought up the one on which Voluptua had held a rock-crusher:

    ♠QJT852
    ♥J2
    ♦85
    ♣75
    ♠7
    ♥AK97
    ♦AK97
    ♣AKQ4    		♠AK93
    ♥Q43
    ♦Q64
    ♣T82
    ♠6
    ♥T865
    ♦JT32
    ♣J963

    As West she became declarer in 7NT and North (who had pre-empted in spades) led ♠Q. Voluptua wrinkled her nose; she could only count 11 tricks. With North pre-empting in spades it seemed that the suits might not be breaking well.

    Dimly recalling that such moments were overcome by experts with a squeeze she tried to remember what Gordon had told her. His voice came back to her: “You have to rectify the count first before the squeeze will operate and that means usually losing an early trick”.

    Here it seemed that to lose a trick would seriously jeopardise her contract so she played to win as many tricks as possible. That meant winning the first trick after which she may as well play another winning spade.

    On this trick South paused before discarding a club and Voluptua felt a moment of triumph: he was being squeezed! The triumph was short lived however because she herself was now being squeezed. Better not throw a club because South may have just given up his guard in clubs. But which red suit to discard? At random she decided to throw a small diamond.

    Then she cashed her clubs and diamonds. After that she tackled hearts playing first the ♥A and then the ♥Q. In a flash that showed she really was improving she saw North discard ♥J.

    But did North have another heart (so play for the drop) or not (so finesse against South). Thinking a bit longer she realised that she knew North had begun with 7 spades and she had watched him play 6 cards of other suits: so he had no more hearts! She therefore knew what to do and wrapped up 13 tricks.

    “Count me among your greatest admirers” said Randy, realising that this was the first occasion that either of them had counted out a hand. Voluptua smiled at him and Randy realised his luck was in tonight.

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  • An inconvenient interruption

    It was after dinner and Randy and Voluptua were sitting cosily on the sofa in Aunt Frieda’s lounge going over the hands from the recent graded tournament. Frieda was away with Gordon in Sydney and Voluptua was house-sitting. Feeling that Voluptua was in relaxed mood Randy was edging hopefully closer thinking that his luck might at last be in.

    “Didn’t I play this hand well” said Voluptua indicating

    ♠AK32
    ♥85
    ♦876
    ♣T985
    ♠854
    ♥43
    ♦A32
    ♣K7432    		♠976
    ♥T92
    ♦QJT54
    ♣J6
    ♠QJT
    ♥AKQJ76
    ♦K9
    ♣AQ

    In point of fact, Voluptua was right although Randy was not in any mood to argue. Voluptua, South, was in 6♥ doubled by West who lead a trump. Voluptua sensed from the confident double that the ♦A and ♣K were poorly placed and had been resigned to defeat. Postponing that evil moment for as long as possible she played off all her hearts and spades (discarding the ♦9 on the fourth spade) and came down to this three card ending

    ♠—
    ♥—
    ♦8
    ♣T9
    ♠—
    ♥—
    ♦A?
    ♣K?    		♠—
    ♥—
    ♦QJ
    ♣J
    ♠—
    ♥—
    ♦K
    ♣AQ

    An expert would probably know whether West held ♦A3 and ♣K (in which case Voluptua must play the ♣A) or ♦A and ♣K7 (in which case she must play the ♦K and end play West). However Voluptua was completely unaware of these subtleties and just got it right by chance. Randy was full of effusive congratulations and five rather pleasant and intimate minutes then passed.

    But just then the phone rang. It was Frieda. “We’ve arrived at the airport; can you pick us up?”.

    “Yes, Aunt Frieda” said Voluptua “we’re just coming”. Thought Randy: “Chance would be a fine thing”.

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  • Voluptua encourages Randy

    Voluptua was still under the misapprehension that Randy’s former ardour towards her had cooled. Actually the reverse was true and Randy’s intentions toward her were not what in former times would have been called honourable. But the poor fellow still thought he had to win her back by becoming a brilliant bridge player. A chance came when, with Frieda and Gordon departing for a romantic weekend a deux, the young folk were left to play together in the Graded Pairs tournament.

    Evidently some pre-tournament discussion was needed and the subject of carding signals came up. “How will I know that you are encouraging me, Voluptua?” asked Randy. He bit his tongue too late as this question came out but Voluptua was amused by his discomfort. “I’ll show you my honours” she giggled. Randy was too embarrassed to take the subject further and they turned up for the first tournament together with no agreement at all on discards and signals.

    On the first board Randy (West) led the ♣K against the opponent’s 4♥ contract. Voluptua felt that it would be right to encourage the young man but didn’t know which of her honours to play. Eventually she parted with the ♣Q and the spotlight now passed to Randy. “Surely” he thought “Voluptua would only waste the ♣Q if it was a singleton so, hoping for a ruff, he led a low club. He was somewhat surprised when Voluptua produced the ♣J but her return of the ♦Q led to to a one trick defeat of the contract. Since most other defenders had begun with both ♣A and ♣K, after which the contract could not be defeated, Randy and Voluptua got a near top. The whole deal had been

    ♠AK32
    ♥85
    ♦876
    ♣T985
    ♠854
    ♥43
    ♦A32
    ♣AK432    		♠976
    ♥T92
    ♦QJT54
    ♣QJ
    ♠QJT
    ♥AKQJ76
    ♦K9
    ♣76

    Unawares, the two had conducted a defence that would have been found only by an expert pair. Playing the Queen on the lead of the Ace promises the Jack. Partner can then safely underlead their King if he feels that the next lead should come from the other hand. In such a situation an expert West would lead their lowest club to suggest a return of the lower ranking of the remaining suits.

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  • Voluptua’s confusion

    18 year old Voluptua was vexed. How was it that her boyfriend Randy was so engrossed in bridge that he was no longer attentive to her every whim, no longer hanging on her every word and (most hurtful of all) no longer so physically demonstrative in his affections? She was unaware that Randy believed she had become disenchanted with him and was trying to reinstate himself by honing his bridge prowess.

    Thinking of how she might once more wrap him around her little finger she had carefully chosen her attire for the weekly bridge where she was scheduled to partner her aunt Frieda. “That skirt is disgracefully short, Voluptua” admonished her aunt as they entered the club, “and that neckline is too revealing”.

    “Aunt Frieda,” countered Voluptua “I had to wear something”. She was gleeful; evidently she was all set to vamp.

    As it happened their first board was against Randy and Gordon. Voluptua was the dealer sitting South (see below).


    ♠T6
    ♥763
    ♦AQT832
    ♣64
    ♠8543
    ♥AKQT98
    ♦4
    ♣Q5    		♠976
    ♥J54
    ♦J65
    ♣KJT9
    ♠AKQJ
    ♥2
    ♦K97
    ♣A8732

    Clearly she had to open one of the black suits but which one? Eventually she decided that she could spend slightly longer leaning across the table drawing an ‘S’ rather than a ‘C’ and so, as indecently as possible, she opened 1♠. The bidding, having got off to an unusual start, then proceeded:

    West North East South
    1♠
    Pass 1NTPass 2♣
    Pass 4♠ PassPass
    Pass

    Gordon led ♥A and Voluptua surveyed dummy with some dismay. Indeed she became so flustered that she began the play believing that the contract was 3NT. That explains why she allowed Gordon to win the first three tricks in hearts as she discarded clubs rather than ruffing. At that point she became aware that Randy’s gaze was inappropriately directed at exactly where she thought was appropriate and she returned to her senses. Ruffing the fourth heart with the ♠T she drew trumps, ran her diamonds, and emerged with 10 tricks; it was to prove a top. Gordon congratulated her on her excellent trump management and they departed for the next round. “What did you say about rump management, Gordon?” asked Randy.

    For the final board of the night Voluptua and Frieda were once more facing Randy and Gordon. Preparing for the fray Voluptua casually undid one more button from an already revealing blouse; she was determined to attract Randy’s attention. An uninspired auction led to Randy (East) declaring 3NT with Voluptua (South) on lead. “All’s fair in love and war” thought Voluptua and so, in the pretence of fingering her cards deciding what to lead, she “accidentally” dropped one of them into her capacious cleavage. Randy went scarlet as Voluptua with much wiggling retrieved the card which everyone saw was the ♣K. The director ruled that this was an exposed card (among other things exposed) and it had to be led. When Voluptua saw that dummy was

    ♠854 ♥T98 ♦43 ♣AQ432

    she felt she might have given the contract away. Randy, completed deceived by the entire charade, saw an opportunity to be a gentleman and he therefore played low in dummy. Surely, he thought, Voluptua would reward him for not taking advantage of her error. He played the hand in an anticipatory daze. Winning the diamond switch he cashed all his top winners, found that clubs divided and came to 9 tricks. The score sheet revealed that all other declarers had failed and so he had earned a top. “Not grabbing that ♣A was a very fine play” observed Gordon “you found the only way to play the suit for 4 tricks”. The complete deal had been:

    ♠T763
    ♥85
    ♦QT82
    ♣JT5
    ♠854
    ♥432
    ♦43
    ♣AQ432    		♠AK9
    ♥AKT9
    ♦AJ65
    ♣98
    ♠QJ2
    ♥QJ76
    ♦K97
    ♣K76

    Voluptua was rather peeved though. In retrospect she had realised that her ♣K lead was actually quite brilliant in tempting declarer to win the Ace (in which case the club suit would have provided 2 tricks only). “How on earth did you find that line, Randy?” she asked. Randy had mixed feelings since the end result was not quite what he had intended and he lapsed into a confused but gracious response. “You found a wonderful lead, Voluptua” said he “and I was fortunate to make the contract despite your breast endeavours”.

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